Wednesday, November 11, 2015

" least he fails while daring greatly"

"Its not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does the actual strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasm and great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly." ~Teddy Roosevelt

I received this quote last night from a friend and the only other thing this email said was. "This is you, my friend. Vulnerability is the best measure of courage. Show your vulnerability today." And I needed that more that I realized. When yesterday ended, well, the conference proper, I had a hard night. I had to reflect on the reactions to some of my vulnerability and it hurt, a lot. And through both the receiving of this information and the processing of this information, I was reflecting on 1 thing that was said to me here that has had the biggest impact on my decision to keep pushing the train, and that was "This is critical." Darcy Winslow said it to me and its exactly what I needed to hear that no one else has taken me by the shoulders and stared me in the eye and told me to be the truth. 

I'm constantly considering whether feeling the yuck is worth it in my current role. I know there is a lot of yuck in chronic illness, but that's not the yuck I'm talking about. Its the yuck of frustration, of disappointment, and stress. It feels good to connect with other people like me, to take on fun projects that are short and easy and have tremendous impact, not on my life directly, but so little of what I do actually does. I like that feeling. Who wouldn't? I like seeing what good is going on around me and connecting with it, partnering to learn and grow and take pieces back into my life. But the yuck is necessary, in fact critical. I think need to think less about staying in the yuck or leaving the yuck or changing the yuck, and more about how I can make the yuck feel less yucky. 

Perspective is so critical, because while some see my C3N work as "head in the clouds", that's often the way I feel about the work that's happening inside of the clinic or at the Foundation, so far from the actual reality of my day to day. But we don't know that about one another until we can share that. And that's important information to know, understanding where you're starting from, and then considering how might be find ways to communicate better to allow for this? 

Something so simple has helped me to reframe the way that I need to think about this. I know it's what I need to be doing, even though sometimes it feels so yucky, because it is critical. And I will carry on, daring greatly. 

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