Right after Drew was diagnosed with CF, I immediately felt 100,000 different feelings. You're scared because you don't know what it is. You're sad because your baby is sick. You're guilty, knowing that this genetic disease was passed onto your baby through you, and you wish more than anything that you could take that away. But then you look at your beautiful little being and can't help but be overwhelmed by love. As much as I hate everything about CF and Drew having it, it has changed me in ways I couldn't have ever imagined. It has made me more patient. It has opened my mind. It has taught me not to judge others unless I have walked in their shoes because you never really know the situation that you are passing judgement on.
ANYWAY, I always wanted a big family. I just love everything about being a mom, from the hugs and kisses right down to the snotty noses and potty training messes. Not that there was every a solid plan put in place, but we had discussed it from time to time and thought that the twins probably weren't going to be the last of the babies to pass through this house. Its scary to think that if we do have another baby at some point that they too could be affected by CF. I've thought a lot about it. I get upset from time to time thinking about it because on one hand I think I couldn't possibly do this with another kid. Its hard with one. Not the hours of treatments and doctors appointments, I could find time for more of that if I needed to. I'm talking about emotionally and mentally hard. No one likes seeing their kid sick, and I believe that its 1,000,000 times harder when its completely out of your control, as in no cure. But then I get even more upset thinking about the possibility of not having any more kids. I'm torn and I think about it all the time.
Martin and I have talked about it, and he said that he won't let fear be the reason that we wouldn't have more kids. And as more and more time goes on and I'm more angry at the disease than afraid of it, I agree. If I let fear win, then CF wins, and CF isn't going to win in this house.
But here's what got me. In the post I read, someone commented this: " I don't have CF and I don't think it's fair to knowingly put that on my child." I did not put this on Drew. It sucks that he has CF, and it sucks that its genetic and it is passed from parent to child, knowingly or unknowingly, but I did not put this on him. Another woman said "What burns my biscuits is when people call us names for deciding to go ahead and have children. I've read posts from those who call us uninformed, selfish, negligent and hateful. One nurse even commented that it should be illegal to procreate! What?! " Exactly!! WHAT?! I will tell you that the people who think that we're "putting this on the kids" or who think we are "uninformed, selfish, negligent and hateful" are actually the ones who are uninformed, selfish, negligent and hateful. These are probably the same people who would choose to have an abortion if they would learn that something wasn't right during their pregnancy, and I'm the one being called selfish. That baby, any baby, needs the love of two people more than anything in the world, from the first moment it becomes a being. Parents who are blessed with a child with any sort of disability, no matter how mild or severe, are the strong ones. We are the knowledgeable ones. We are not selfish, in any capacity. We give our everything, everyday, so that our kids can be whatever it is they are here to be. And hateful? How dare you!! How DARE you call me hateful for wanting to have more children. I am the opposite of hateful. I have more love to give that you in the simple fact that I want more of these wonderful beings. I have the most wonderful gift that I can give the world and its called children. I know that there is a 25% chance that any of my children will be affected by CF but that doesn't make them any more or less worthy of existance. I know a LOT about the disease. And I participate in the search for the cure, so that God forbid one of your children ever be affected by something so horrible, there may be more help, more answers, a cure. Maybe my son will go on to find that cure.
I know everyone feels different on this subject and I don't want to hear your comments this time. You can think whatever you want of me. Having Drew has humbled me. It has taught me not to judge because you never know the situation that the person you are judging is in. Being a parent isn't easy, but good parents do the best that they can with what they are given. All I can tell you is that my heart is bigger, my life is fuller with Drew in it
I don't know why God gave us a baby with CF. It doesn't seem fair. But every day when I look at Drew, my heart feels so full of love and my life feels so more right with him in it. I've got more love to give and I'll be damned if fear is going to keep me down.